I wrote this a few months ago when I was having a really bad day. I think both adoptees and those living with chronic illness can relate. It’s important to share your thoughts and to reach out. I am happy to connect with anyone who is feeling helpless and hopeless. I get it. We all deserve more love, not less.

I am tired of feeling this way.  It’s been too many years now.  I don’t have the capacity to want to change or find something new to make me feel better.  I’m too tired.  I’m very, very tired.  I don’t want to exist in this body anymore.  I know this is capital “D” Depression speaking and it’s winning at this particular moment in time.  I am not suicidal and I know I will feel better, but right now I can’t fight it.  I’ve learned that it’s important to let Depression speak its mind and to share it so it doesn’t fester inside.  

I don’t want to live my life for other people anymore but I haven’t got a clue how to “do life” for myself—absolutely no clue.  I hear the voices of others telling me to accept living “this way”.  What’s “this way”?  Living with going blind, debilitating fatigue, feeling like I have the flu 24/7/365 with a foggy brain!?!  I’ve been doing this a long fucking time people—37 years to be exact.  You walk in my shoes for one week and let’s see how accepting you are.  How about that?  There isn’t any way for me to convey my inability to do this—to accept all of this ongoing, never-ending loss of my physical abilities.  Some days I want to just stop living(not really, but really) but my time on this planet is not finished.  I guess I still have more to do.  

I feel like I’ve dug deep.  I have dug really, really deep.  Years of therapy, acupuncture, physical therapy, eating totally clean and following a bunch of “cure” diets, switching from “Western” to “Eastern” medicine, herbs, supplements, homeopathy, taking away alcohol, caffeine, sugar, gluten, dairy for years and years. I developed a fucking eating disorder from listening to all of the bullshit for fuck’s sake! I’ve done deep dives into my spirituality with meditation and being in the “now” and all that jazz.  Doing “the work”, following different spiritual teachers and teachings thinking this will bring me the relief I’m seeking from the turmoil inside my body.  I live with Depression that is so heavy that I truly do not want to bear the weight anymore.  

I AM TIRED OF THE STRUGGLE.  I CANNOT FIND THE JOY ANY LONGER.  I USED TO FEEL THE JOY UNDERNEATH THE ANGST, BUT I CANNOT FEEL IT ANYMORE.  ALL I FEEL IS ANGER AND SADNESS.  I MUST LET ANGER AND SADNESS SPEAK BUT I FEEL TOO DAMN EXHAUSTED TO LET THEM SPEAK.  ALL CREATIVITY HAS LEFT ME.  I DO NOT FEEL EXCITED ABOUT ANYTHING, NOTHING AT ALL.  I TRY BUT IT’S JUST NOT THERE AND I AM NOT ABLE TO FORCE IT.  TRY SOMETHING NEW I TELL MYSELF.  YOU NEED A PURPOSE I TELL MYSELF.  FIND SOMETHING YOU FEEL PASSIONATE ABOUT I TELL MYSELF.  JOIN A GROUP I TELL MYSELF.  MEET NEW PEOPLE I TELL MYSELF.  SIGN UP FOR A CLASS I TELL MYSELF.  CALL YOUR KIDS MORE I TELL MYSELF.  CALL OLD FRIENDS AND RECONNECT I TELL MYSELF.  CONNECT WITH YOUR DAUGHTER-IN-LAW MORE I TELL MYSELF, CONTACT YOUR BIRTH MOTHER I TELL MYSELF, REACH OUT TO YOUR MOM MORE I TELL MYSELF.  REACH OUT TO PEOPLE MORE I TELL MYSELF.  MY HUSBAND IS CONSTANTLY FIGHTING FOR ME, WHY CAN’T I FIGHT FOR MYSELF?  BECAUSE MY BRAIN IS SOOOOO FOGGY AND TIRED, THAT’S WHY!  I. AM. EXHAUSTED.  I AM FEELING NUMB AND DISSOCIATED FROM MYSELF.  FORCING MYSELF TO MOVE IS A MONUMENTAL TASK.  FORCING MYSELF TO SPEAK TO PEOPLE IS A MONUMENTAL TASK.  I AM NOT CLOSE TO PEOPLE.  I DON’T KNOW HOW TO BE CLOSE WITH PEOPLE.  I DON’T WANT TO GO TO ANY MORE DOCTOR APPOINTMENTS.  NO MORE FUCKING MEDICAL TESTS, NO MORE SURGERIES, NO MORE, NO MORE, NO MORE!  I SEEM TO HAVE LOST MY ABILITY TO BE GRATEFUL.  I’VE GONE INTO A PLACE OF EXTREME CYNICISM.  I HATE THIS WORLD.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?  WHY WOULD SOMEONE AS FORTUNATE AS ME BE SO NEGATIVE AND CYNICAL?  I HAVE SO MUCH TO BE GRATEFUL FOR AND YET I STILL FEEL HORRIBLE ALL OF THE TIME.  I HAVE A BRAND NEW BEAUTIFUL GRANDDAUGHTER, HEALTHY AND HAPPY KIDS, A HUSBAND WHO LOVES ME VERY MUCH, A BEAUTIFUL HOME AND FINANCIAL SECURITY AND I AM WAITING FOR THE DISASTER TO STRIKE AND I AM PISSED OFF THAT I HAVE TO FEEL SICK ALL OF THE TIME AND THAT I HAVE TO SIT AROUND WATCHING OTHER PEOPLE LIVE.  EVERYONE CAN JUST FUCK THE FUCK OFF!  I CAN’T HARDLY SEE THE SCREEN ANYMORE AND I HAVE THE FONT HUGE AND DARK!! AHHHHH!  I am even annoyed with typing in all caps now.  Usually, it helps me to throw a tantrum in all caps but it’s not doing anything for me today.

I want to write but I don’t seem to have motivation to do so.  It seems pointless.  Everything seems pointless.    I wish I had musical talent that didn’t require eyesight like singing or playing an instrument.  Everything I want to do involves a fully functioning body.  I had a Lyft driver this week who looked like he was at least 70 and he’s still running every day at 5:30am and is training for his 78th marathon.  Instead of feeling joy for him I feel annoyed.  

I don’t know how to live in this body.  I don’t know how to live in this body.  I don’t know how to live in this body.  I don’t know how to live in this body.  I don’t know how to live in this body.  I don’t know how to live in this body.  I don’t know how to live in this body.  I don’t know how to live in this body.  I don’t know how to live in this body.

I keep having intrusive thoughts that I didn’t socialize enough at my daughter’s engagement. Why am I so awkward?  I hate being so awkward.  I was awkward before I lost most of my vision and now I feel so separate from people that I don’t know how to approach them.  I am isolated and living in such a different world than most, that I really don’t know how to have “small talk” conversations any more.  I feel like a robot following along like I’ve been programmed to fit in as best as possible.  But there’s a feeling that other’s can see that I’m a robot trying to fit in and they’re not sure how to communicate with a robot so it’s best to just skirt around it.  Don’t get too close.

I have such vivid dreams. Even though I’m sleeping it’s as if I’m awake they’re so real.  I had this dream last night that felt like a message for me to remember. (It was so vivid, I can still see it clearly in my mind.)  I was looking out of the window of our house.  It was a different house than we have ever lived in and the kids were still young and lived at home.  When I looked outside I saw a round patio table with four chairs.  I slowly realized there was a young, teenage girl curled up in the fetal position on one of the chairs.  I immediately knew she was homeless and starving.  She looked anorexic to me.  I noticed there was a gigantic gray and white German Shepherd sitting in front of her chair like it was her guardian so she could sleep without anyone bothering her.  I asked my son to take her a sandwich but to be super careful for the dog.  He was going to have to find a way past the dog to get to her.  When I woke up, it felt like that girl and the German Shepherd were living inside of me.